I can’t lie, I hate sending emails! One day when I’m smart and actually have some money (start-up problems) I’m definitely building a time machine. With one click I’ll be transported to any fashion office in the world and it’ll be at the most convenient time for a chat, time zones and all considered. Until then, emails will just be the part of my job that I love to hate.

 

I want to say that I have the winning formula for a 100% response rate but that’ll be a lie from the pits of hell. The truth is, I’m still getting ignored, filed under ‘to-do’ which everyone knows is code for ‘f off until I can be bothered’ or doomed for junk mail because my weak ass GoDaddy account doesn’t want me to be great (more start-up problems) *fresh hot tears*

 

When I’m ignored, which is typically 3 out of 5 times, my usual reaction is to immediately run to said persons instagram page for an inspection of when they last uploaded a picture. My logic being, if your phone is working well enough to capture a moment, it will also work well enough to receive and respond to my email. Simples.

 

OMG – she uploaded 37 minutes ago, bring on the rage, which goes a little something like this “I see you smiling in this pic but I wonder if your followers actually know how much of a bitchhh you really are. You clearly hate people and only love yourself and I never want to associate myself with anyone of the sort”. Yes – I take it super personal and assassinate characters with my most skillful weapon – a razor sharp tongue! But then again my heart, and instagram page, is too full of fun and goodness to hold onto hate. So I simply follow up with a ‘gentle reminder’ and stay hopeful for a response.

 

What am I doing wrong! I follow all the rules:

• ALWAYS include a name.
• Start off with a genuine compliment. If you don’t have one, hold off on sending until you do. It can be anything, as long as it rings true.
• Give a brief background into who you are. Yes – You are a lot of things but ONLY include the bits that are relevant to the recipient.
• What outcome do you want from the email? Do you want a question answered, an interview? To organize a meeting? –State it here
• Round it up and sign it off
• Wait in anticipation….

 

But then again, on Saturday, I heard from a Stylist that has done all types of jobs from red carpet to commercial, editorial and celeb; and she swears by the ‘copy and paste generic email’. Not only has she built a respected name in the industry, but she is working. As in, the woman is fully booked until Spring 2017! People ARE getting back to her. WTF did I miss?

 

Honestly, truly I don’t know what to believe anymore. The lines are as blurred as the weeks between my initial correspondence and the responses I’m waiting on. What has it been 2, 3 or 4 weeks? I’ve lost count. Someone once told me that if you send a copy and paste email, the other person knows because it shows up in a funny font. Is this true? Will my email really be distorted? Will Santa truly not give me presents if I’ve been naughty all year? Seriously guys, I don’t know what to believe anymore but what I know for sure (which is currently a book I’m reading, thanks Aunty Oprah) is that I’m completely over emails…

 

In accordance with my frustrations, I’ve come up with 3 email alternatives for 2017. Given it’s the time of year when we all have an appetite for resolution and new beginnings, I’happy to share my suggestions. Dig in:

 

• Do you have friends with fancy titles that work for cool places? You do! Great, so do I and they’re exactly who will be sending my important emails from now on (If you’re reading this it’s too late). I’m pretty sure that a Google, Louis Vuitton or ASOS-er have higher response rates than a Pepper Your Talk nobody.

 

• Remember that teleporting machine I wish I had but can’t afford to create, c’mon guys we spoke about it in the beginning, well it actually exists and it’s called the tube. Yup, I’m just going to roll up to people’s offices and hang around until they pop up. No matter how notorious the fashion industry is for unpaid overtime, nobody sets up camp at their desk and stays overnight. Sooner or later, they will leave for the day and there I will be…waiting!

 

• Tweet them! I witnessed Pandora Sykes do it yesterday and she’s cool, so I assure you, you’ll loose zero street cred for using socials for work purposes. Which backs up my aforementioned point about blurred lines, work and play are the same thing these day, just like the Gucci slippers – business in the front, party at the back.

 

That’s as far as my suggestions go. It’s Monday and I’ve got a growing inbox to tackle and a few hundred ‘gentle nudges’ to make. Hey, I did say resolutions were for the New Year, I’ve got 13 days to see if someone, anyone, will be get back to me.